poem fragments...i will turn this into something someday.

like my brother sans his fix, 

my body was shaking.

u left me and asked if i was okay.

i nodded, but it didn't matter.  you still went away.

i run and run, chasing a high.

but i swear all my endorphins have been used up.

after, i still feel the same.

an everyday occurrence

I was shopping at the mall, just earlier today

Oceans of people passed me by, passed my way.

Afraid to make eye contact, afraid to look into their souls

I avoid connection, afraid of what a mild encounter might hold.

I hate their stabbing eyes, looking me up and down.

I loathe their stares, raping me, making me feel like their sex clown.

why can't i use my voice?

Yesterday, on my way to class,

I took the bus.

Because of overcrowding(and fear of panic)

I regretted my decision, all in a rush.

Situations like that make me feel out of body,

out of control.

My body grew sweaty immediately.

People around, unfamiliar faces, all staring.

Someone pulled the lever, a stop signaling.

It was my building, my stop.

I whispered a meek, excuse me.

But no one heard my plea.

So as not to be rude, (as I was always taught)

I did not raise my voice

I did not raise my voice like

 that time when you went inside of me.

I had no choice.

I thought it was the polite thing to do. 

again I cried out, in what I thought was more than a hush,

Excuse me, please.

Get out (of my way) please.

But my voice seemed to go unheard.

I elbowed my way, forcefully through the crowds.

I barely made my way out, when driver yelled out after me,

"Next time speak up!"

It made me wonder

why is it i don't know how to use my voice?

insomnia

i didn't sleep at all last night, and I have two exams today.

Messy Reunions (revised)

I recall a reunion of sorts.

faces from old, smiling.

hugs and high fives, arms stretching.

shot up.

liquid 

down.

more hugs, bodies compiling. 

cards shuffle, music blares.

I can't move with all this sound.

"Make it stop," I think, but mean to say. 

The rush continues in my direction.

I watch my body from above as it lays on the ground,

music screaming eminently in my ears.

Make it stop I continue to think,

but I was never able to speak.

Get away from me, get away.

Turn this noise off.  But the notes keep weaseling their way into my ears.

 

"Make it stop," I finally mutter, but want to scream.

I still watch my body from above, hoping it was all a dream.

the t-shirt of the band that i liked

he was a good friend of mine.  

good, but not best.

wore a t-shirt of a band i liked 

when we first met.

we bantered on about the war.

how it was marching on too long.

he was a cool cat, you know? the kind you can trust.

but I guess I was very wrong.

i kissed him, (only because i was drunk) outside on the grass.

i saw her out there with a bottle of courage,

or maybe it was a glass?

all of us talked, smoked, and enjoyed the spring breeze.

i kissed him again, nothing more. (I have my limits).

but maybe i'm a tease?

later, we went back inside the apartment

to join our friends.

everyone was was reaching their peak.

the night was coming to an end.

a few of us sat,

finishing our drinks.

his roommate went to bed,

the rest of us carried on, fighting sleep.

my head grew heavy

and my vision blurry.

i asked if it would be a burden if i plopped on his couch.

he nodded 

and got me a pillow in a hurry.

my friend (with the tshirt of the band i liked)

retired to his bed.

the others were bored, tired of the scene, 

so they all left.

hours later i awoke on the same couch

in a confused mess

i looked down, and my green shirt

 from the night before

was crumpled up next to my jeans on the floor.

I squinted slants through the darkness

 in an effort to detect

whose body filled mine 

with no remorse or regret.

my friend(the one with the tshirt of the band i liked)

was likely solidly asleep in his bed

because the face in front of me was that of his roommates.

(someone I now, sadly, wish was dead).

so now i dont know up from down

(or a friend from a foe).

I don't know love from sex

or a dove from a crow.

my heart is worn,

my time concept is on freeze

i'm living in these memories

and i'm afraid i'm

no longer a tease.

OKAY E...help me end this... im stumped and at a block

a memoir of sorts (revision 2)

My strength has limits. I'm not always this bold.

I went to bed earlier, but awoke afraid.

This fear should dissipate, or so I am told.

My face was hot with sweat, but the air outside was cold.

I decided to delete your number today.

My strength has limits. I'm not always this bold.

I stayed at home, hoping to release this ache of old

while my family went to church to pray.

This fear should dissipate, or so I am told.

I took you to an event once. (It was cold.)

I laughed, trying to cover the mistakes I had made.

My violet dress was satin, different from my usual mold.

My strength has limits.  I'm not always this bold.

I cried over you, not realizing it was my dignity that had been sold.

I received your letter at work, in the midst of my day.

I took a pill or several, and then in my bed I laid.

This fear should dissipate, or so I am told.

I think I've given up. Take my cards. I finally fold.

My phone is empty now, why did i keep those numbers anyway?

Maybe if I find someone new these wounds will fade.

My strength has limits. I'm not always this bold.

This fear should dissipate, or so I am told.